This thing that I will write about is very personal, but I have determined to share my walk of faith here on this blog however difficult it may be sometimes. The blood of the Lord Jesus Christ that flowed on Calvary covers me.
(image from Google)
Some weeks ago, as I scrolled down my FB newsfeed, I saw the pictures posted by a former classmate and immediately, I felt my stomach tighten. I really wanted to see those photos – who attended that little reunion of former high school classmates, people I haven’t seen for decades, and what they did. But I felt like something struck me in the stomach when I saw someone in those photos which reminded me of the more recent past. Something I have narrowly escaped, only because of the great mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ.
In one sweeping moment, I felt ugly feelings wash over me: disgust, disappointment, bitterness, shame. As I flinched from the photos before me, thoughts hovered over my mind, “This isn’t fair. This isn’t right. Why have I not really healed after all these years? Why am I not okay?”
I survived to see the photos of their second get-together, but I shuddered afterwards. Really shuddered. In disgust. I was disgusted of the past. I was disgusted of myself. And I knew that I was the one who was losing from what I was doing to myself.
The feeling was the overwhelming realization that what happened in the past was all wrong. All sin. All evil. After ten long years of having survived that dark, sordid part of my life and walking ever so intimately with the Lord Jesus, regret was still written all over my heart. But I knew that I could not go on living in regret. The Lord had accepted my heartfelt, soulful repentance ten years ago. I knew I must stop beating myself with the very things that God had already mercifully and completely forgiven.
I grieved because I still had those ugly feelings. I imagined myself pouncing on me, humiliating me, saying awful things about me. Whenever my kids see something that they recoil from, like a poop or rotten food, they say, “Yucky!” And I…I can’t count the times that I said that to myself lately (tears).
I thought that I was fine already. When I embraced Jesus Christ and my salvation, I thought I was okay in the heart. I spent all these many years being sick and entreating God’s healing and then recovering and just sitting at His feet everyday (can’t stop crying now). I shut out the world. I lived and basked in my little, “comfortable”, familiar world of sickness and suffering, a world full of the presence of Jesus, and I thought I was really fine. Until I opened up myself to the world of blogging and social networking.
I warily and gradually approached social networking especially Facebook because I was used to my silent little world. There were fears. But I did it because I needed to share my writings on my blogs. It was not so much about socializing, but sharing. Now, I didn’t want that these things that reminded me of the past would drive me away, fearing, retreating, and feeling defeated.
I knew that the Lord wanted me, not only to believe in my salvation, but to live forgiven. To live continuously forgiving. To live free. To live having forgotten. To live loved. Accepted. Unconditionally. By Him. To live healed. Whole.
What I was looking at before me on the computer screen was the present and not the past. I should not drag the past to the present (Phil. 3:13). The Lord had given me this moment to receive deeper level of healing.
(When my physical healing was utmost in my mind, I had sent him a letter (and a Bible) telling him that everything that had happened in the past was a mistake and a work of the devil, nothing else. This was during the first months after I was saved. The honeymoon stage of my salvation? And for a season, I prayed incessantly that the Lord forgive him and save him , too).
I went back up my newsfeed. These should not affect me. These must not affect me. I looked again at those photos, one by one, as I continued to utter a silent prayer, “Heal me, dearest Lord. Heal me, my dearest Jesus.”
The Lord Jesus walked with me through it. His unfailing love gave me strength, His hand lifted up my head, and the feelings of self-condemnation and loathing disappeared.
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Rom. 8:1)
I might be linking up with these lovely blogs.
Journey with Jesus,