More Than My Hands Can Handle

My beloved husband had just left for the overnight worship service and I was already running late for my viewing of the live webcast of it, so I asked my daughter Hannah to bring the vaio and all its attachments (speaker, charger, mouse, HDMI cable). Then I leaned on my propped-up pillows because I felt weak and quite exhausted (I have been feeling these and other difficulties the past week).

One of the maids was in and out of the room fixing for the night and Tim also was there drawing, so I didn’t notice when Hannah dumped the vaio on a corner table far from me and hurriedly left. When I saw it I asked one of the maids where she was (I was hoping she went to get the speaker but I doubted it; I knew how negligent she was). I called for her three times. I waited patiently. I wasn’t feeling well and already an hour late for the live webcast.

When she finally came into the room, I asked her calmly and quietly, “Hannah, is this the way you serve? You just dump everything on a corner table which I can’t even reach?” There was sadness and resignation in my voice. Maybe even before she came into the room she already had that sullen look, but at my words, I noticed it. Instead of saying sorry, she displayed a silent resentment as she went about fixing the attachments of the vaio. My heart sank.

Just a few days before, she came to me requesting for a new sporty shirt and matching skirt as costume for their batch dinner in school. Right away, I arranged for someone to buy them in Mega Mall.

I felt so deeply hurt and disappointed to see that she was becoming disrespectful and ungrateful. And lacking in love. Her Dad and I have been observing her behavior for a long time now. We often remind her and teach her. We read and study the Bible. I pray with her. We meet and discuss about loving and caring for and respecting others. I urge (no, plead) her and Tim to fervently love and be kind to one another. With love and tears, prayers and persistence, I teach them.

After I rebuked her now for her attitude, she walked out of the room, but I called her again. Even though my breath was coming in gasps and my left chest was tightening, I wanted to fix this. I needed to. I was —- desperate.

I cried uncontrollably because I was sick and felt weak and inadequate.

I cried because I wanted to spend all my days and weeks and months and years (as the Lord would have mercy upon me) only loving and being gentle and kind. I cried because I never wanted to blow it all up.

I cried because I didn’t want to displease the Lord but to be always pleasing in His sight to obtain His favor.

I cried because I was losing my Hannah to bad attitudes, to typical teenage problems perhaps (I don’t know, I don’t have a clue!), to peer pressure and influence outside of our family and Church…

I cried because I didn’t want to lose our closeness, our good friendship. I cried because I always wished I would always be her best friend, my company she would always seek. I cried because she was changing and slowly going farther away.

I cried because I didn’t want her to be hardly reachable. I cried because I long for her.

After I was left alone in the room and had recovered from my difficulties, I sat up. And prayed. I prayed for myself, for strength in all aspects, for wisdom, and for love that can cover all.

And I prayed for my daughter, laying her down at the Savior’s feet. I prayed and asked for help until there was no more tears left. Then His peace that passes all understanding enveloped me. The Lord made me know that I needed not shoulder all the burdens of motherhood. My hands are not enough to handle them. He gave me the ministry of motherhood, not to carry it out on my own strength and wisdom, but always with His strength and wisdom and constant help. It is a partnership with Him.

So I will stand by my daughter (even though sometimes she makes me feel like she doesn’t want me there, hovering over her) as my Lord stands by me. By the abundant grace of God, I will be a very present exemplary figure in her life (and my son’s) as my Lord is my very present help and guide. There is no quitting this.

 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. (Psalm 127:3).

I might be linking up with these lovely blogs.

Journey with Jesus,

Comments

  1. Vickie says:

    I can identify with what you said (in a more poetic way than I ever could). I have cried and felt pain over things my daughter said and did as a teen. Now that she is a young adult, she has turned back to the Father’s way. In fact, she has rededicated her life to Christ and goes to church regularly on her own. God sees and knows and has already worked out tomorrow! He is always walking one step ahead working out His plan for each of us. Yes, keep on walking beside her!

    • RinaPeru says:

      Thank you for sharing your story here, Vickie, and your daughter’s victory by the great grace of God. My Hannah attends worship services every Sunday and sings in the Children’s Choir, I thank the Lord for that. But there is indeed a need to be always there as she enters adolescence.

  2. Cora Reyes says:

    Naramdaman ko talaga ang mga naramdaman mo bilang ina.Mag-isa kong pinalaki ang anak ko kasi maliit pa lang sya ng magkahiwalay kami ng asawa ko at isa akong working mom.Kung wala ako sa mahal na Panginoon ang lahat ng pinagdaanan ko hindi ko makakaya.Dati kahit linggo nag oovertime ako kasi hindi kakayanin ang mga expenses pero salamat sa pinakamamahal na Panginoon at muli Nya akong binalik.Noong time na yun pakiramdam ko ang hirap kausapin ng anak ko at parang ang layo nyang abutin pero nang tumigil na ako sa pag oovertime at magkasama na kami every Sunday sa banal na gawain ang dami na naming napag usapan.Ang saya saya ko na hindi matutumbasan ng kinikita ko sa pag oovertime.Iniyakan ko rin ng lubos sa Mahal na Panginoon na baguhin sya kasi ayokong malihis ang landas nya patungong impyerno.Praise the mighty name of dearest Jesus!He never fails.Nakita ko nung Sunday ang beloved husband mo at dalawa mong mahal na anak at nanalangin ako na makamtan mo na ang lubos na kagalingan upang magkakasama na kayo sa banal na gawain.In Jesus name makakamtan mo ang full recovery.God bless you sister Rina.

    • RinaPeru says:

      Thank you so much for your prayer full of faith for my healing, Sis. Cora. You made me want to cry. I will be healed in Jesus’ name! Amen and Amen!

  3. Jen Stults says:

    Motherhood has often brought me to tears, when I’m frustrated, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when there are no words to express the feelings. I’m so thankful we don’t have to shoulder the parenting burdens alone! :)

  4. buraj says:

    Oh, how I feel for you! My girls seemed so hard to love when they were teen! We only just made it through by covering them with prayers for God’ mercy and protection. They didn’t know that I stayed up late at night & got up very early to pray for them. Be encouraged. There is power in a praying Mom and our children are our legacy. Blessings.

    • RinaPeru says:

      Thank you so much for your lovely and encouraging words, Buraj. Oh, yes, there’s no ceasing to praying for them, indeed! Blessings!

  5. Anganie says:

    Hi Rina, I so can identify with these episodes being the mother two teenage daughters myself, however one thing I have learned is that sometimes I mistakenly believed that my children should operate as I do (organized, observant, etc) and not really recognizing that they are still growing and learning as children, they are still seeing life through the eyes of a child, therefore they will do childish things sometimes, that I just have to bear patience with them and keep praying that they will grow in grace in knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Please know that I am not trivializing your situation, just relating my experiences and in the hope that maybe it can help in some way. God richly bless you and your beautiful family.

    • RinaPeru says:

      Yes, yes, Anganie, what you say is true! I’ve had enlightenments like yours, wisdom coming to me that I should not treat them as I see and do things — exactly what you had mentioned. Thank you for your reminders, my friend. I so appreciate you for taking the time. The Lord bless you, too, and your family!

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