My Greatest Fear

I’m reading Angie Smith’s What Women Fear: Walking in Faith that Transforms. She listed down ten fears, utilizing a chapter each. I like her writing style and the fact that she has included powerful stories of Biblical characters to illustrate her points. But I’m afraid she has not included one of my greatest fears. I think that mine is unique.

This thing has been hovering over my mind these past years as I wrestled with my illness and suffering and waited for my healing. It was there, showing up in my mind every now and then, taunting me. But it was only a few days ago that I confronted it face to face and had the wisdom to tell God about it in detail.

This is one of my greatest fears: That when the Lord has finally healed me completely and restored my health and strength as like before – I might change. I might change toward Him and embrace back some of the things I had already forsaken. Like what maybe? Worldly things and pleasures? I’m not longing for these now, for I’m happily embracing the things of God. But what will happen when I’m well and strong? What if I will become lukewarm in my love for the Lord Jesus and His will? What if I will then serve Him half-heartedly, my old fervor gone?

More often than not, these thoughts remind me of Fanny Crosby’s (the popular 18th century blind hymnodist) declaration: “It seemed intended by the blessed providence of God that I should be blind all my life, and I thank him for the dispensation. If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things about me.”

But there is another side to my fear. I fear that, because my fears might come true once the Lord heals me, and He would know that, He will, therefore, not heal me to save me from my fears. See? I feel like I find myself in a deadlock!

This was the reason why, one night last week, I prayed —- differently. Different in that, I laid down all my fears before the Lord. In detail. One by one, I told Him my fears which were causing me misery. Wrestling and writhing in prayer with weeping, I was honest with Him. That I didn’t want to fear my healing. That I will choose healing and to make sure that I will not change and follow my own direction once I’m healed, I begged Him to tie me to His side. Yes, tie me so that I cannot go where I want to go, but only where He wants me to.

You see, we don’t know what will happen to our hearts when our circumstances change. We can’t be confident with the Lord and just say, “Lord, heal me and I will do Your will.” Remember Peter. We need God’s help.

Sobbing and writhing (I was curled up on my side, gasping for air), I begged the Lord to help me follow Him wherever He leads, to be right where He is – when He has healed me. Take my heart. My life is Yours. Tie me to Your side so I will never go. Just let me suffer no longer. 

It is God’s will to heal. I believe that it is not His will for me to suffer every single day. It is His will to grant life and good health. He said so in John 10:10: “…I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

He commanded healing:

And as you go, preach, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons…. (Mat. 10:7-8, emphasis added)

It is the enemy’s doing, sowing seeds of fear and doubts in my heart and mind. He wants me to believe that if I desire healing and received it, I might change toward the Lord. These are defeatist thoughts. He wants me to live in this fear and accept my illness and suffering as a part of my daily life without being ever delivered. The enemy wants me to suffer and be miserable everyday! Well, he’s not going to win. For I told the Lord all this. I am desiring my healing. I am fighting for my healing. I am claiming my healing. In Jesus’ name!

I might be linking up with these lovely blogs.

Journey with Jesus,


  1. Donna says:

    God knows our fears. He calms our fears. He takes us for His own. Be at peace, my friend.

  2. Laura says:

    Rina, you are wise to fear this thing. We have such short memories and all fall short, don’t we? God knows our weaknesses and I believe your pure heart on this matter honors Him. Blessings, dear one.

    • RinaPeru says:

      We do have short memories and other weaknesses, Laura. That’s why I’m learning everyday how our incessant, persistent prayers can powerfully help us. Blessings on you, too, dear friend.

  3. I read Angie Smith’s book a couple of years ago with my daughter. It’s very powerful. I have my own set of fears that I deal with, but thankfully the Lord is continuing to work with me in facing them and I know he will deliver me from them altogether one day. Praying for your healing.

  4. Gertrude says:

    Hi Rina,
    Yes indeed it is God’s will for us to live in perfect health and a life that is abundant in every way. I also see where your “fear” arises because we do tend to have short memories when it comes to walking with the Lord. There was something critical about your testimony that touched me and it is that you went and prayed and laid each of those fears before the Lord in prayer. He knows your heart and as you have asked Him to tie you to His side, I have no doubt He will do exactly that !

    Thank you for sharing this powerful post. God bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you. I stand with you in your belief for healing in Jesus Name. Amen ! (Linking up from Women Living Well).

    • RinaPeru says:

      Oh, thank you so much for your earnest prayers for me, Gertrude. Your words blessed me today. The Lord indeed sends His unfailing love through like-minded, true followers of His. Blessings be on you, too!

  5. Bibi says:

    God knows the fears residing in our hearts and He will walk us though them.

    “Don’t worry about anything; instead Pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for Everything He has done.” (Phillippians 4:6) I pray that God will heal you and tie you to His side. We serve an amazing God.

  6. Judy says:

    Nice to meet you? I’m visiting from spiritual sundays. I really enjoyed your post. It made me think of the apostle Paul who prayed three times for the Lord to remove his thorn in the flesh, but the Lord said “My grace is sufficient for you.” Paul also said that a thorn in the flesh was given to him, a messenger of Satan, to keep him from getting puffed up.

    Nevertheless, the Lord does want us healed and walking in good health. I pray you receive your healing soon.


    • RinaPeru says:

      Thank you for your prayer for me, Judy. I’m begging the Lord for my healing because it’s really very hard to suffer everyday and so I could serve Him better with good health and strength.

  7. Mama says:

    I understand your desire is for God to heal you but maybe that is not His desire. God did not heal Peter, He wanted Peter to use his weakness/suffering to lean and rely on God. (2 Cor. 12:9). Maybe praying for God to give you contentment with whatever His Will is for you (healing or not) would be a better choice.

    • RinaPeru says:

      Hi Mama. Maybe you mean Paul? Yes, his “thorn in the flesh” was not taken away by God, but Paul was still able to go about his ministry in the Lord’s grace. Mine is a debilitating illness that leaves me mostly bound in bed, unable to “visit the sick, share the Gospel to the poor, etc. etc.” Of course I want to be delivered from this difficult suffering.