I’m reading Angie Smith’s What Women Fear: Walking in Faith that Transforms. She listed down ten fears, utilizing a chapter each. I like her writing style and the fact that she has included powerful stories of Biblical characters to illustrate her points. But I’m afraid she has not included one of my greatest fears. I think that mine is unique.
This thing has been hovering over my mind these past years as I wrestled with my illness and suffering and waited for my healing. It was there, showing up in my mind every now and then, taunting me. But it was only a few days ago that I confronted it face to face and had the wisdom to tell God about it in detail.
This is one of my greatest fears: That when the Lord has finally healed me completely and restored my health and strength as like before – I might change. I might change toward Him and embrace back some of the things I had already forsaken. Like what maybe? Worldly things and pleasures? I’m not longing for these now, for I’m happily embracing the things of God. But what will happen when I’m well and strong? What if I will become lukewarm in my love for the Lord Jesus and His will? What if I will then serve Him half-heartedly, my old fervor gone?
More often than not, these thoughts remind me of Fanny Crosby’s (the popular 18th century blind hymnodist) declaration: “It seemed intended by the blessed providence of God that I should be blind all my life, and I thank him for the dispensation. If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things about me.”
But there is another side to my fear. I fear that, because my fears might come true once the Lord heals me, and He would know that, He will, therefore, not heal me to save me from my fears. See? I feel like I find myself in a deadlock!
This was the reason why, one night last week, I prayed —- differently. Different in that, I laid down all my fears before the Lord. In detail. One by one, I told Him my fears which were causing me misery. Wrestling and writhing in prayer with weeping, I was honest with Him. That I didn’t want to fear my healing. That I will choose healing and to make sure that I will not change and follow my own direction once I’m healed, I begged Him to tie me to His side. Yes, tie me so that I cannot go where I want to go, but only where He wants me to.
You see, we don’t know what will happen to our hearts when our circumstances change. We can’t be confident with the Lord and just say, “Lord, heal me and I will do Your will.” Remember Peter. We need God’s help.
Sobbing and writhing (I was curled up on my side, gasping for air), I begged the Lord to help me follow Him wherever He leads, to be right where He is – when He has healed me. Take my heart. My life is Yours. Tie me to Your side so I will never go. Just let me suffer no longer.
It is God’s will to heal. I believe that it is not His will for me to suffer every single day. It is His will to grant life and good health. He said so in John 10:10: “…I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
He commanded healing:
7 And as you go, preach, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ 8 Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons…. (Mat. 10:7-8, emphasis added)
It is the enemy’s doing, sowing seeds of fear and doubts in my heart and mind. He wants me to believe that if I desire healing and received it, I might change toward the Lord. These are defeatist thoughts. He wants me to live in this fear and accept my illness and suffering as a part of my daily life without being ever delivered. The enemy wants me to suffer and be miserable everyday! Well, he’s not going to win. For I told the Lord all this. I am desiring my healing. I am fighting for my healing. I am claiming my healing. In Jesus’ name!
I might be linking up with these lovely blogs.
Journey with Jesus,