I could write about a few other things, for one, to encourage, for this is the heart of this blog. But this is a day in which I just like to heave a sigh and write what’s gripping my heart. It’s one of those days when unwellness brings down my spirit and nothing seems to give comfort. When all I’ve been praying for is to feel God’s love – and then nothing else would matter – but I don’t feel it amidst the suffering. And there’s just sadness, so present that it feels like a shroud over all my being.
This is one of those days when I need to be fully conscious to my surroundings and strain my heart and mind into dwelling in God’s goodness in my life. In spite of the suffering. Have you felt like that? Like scraping the bottom of an emptied cookie jar hoping to feel for crumbs to assuage your craving?
Hunger for the manifestation of God’s love runs much deeper than that. You can’t ever function without feeling it.
So, I pick up the crumbs that fall from the table (see Matthew 15:21-28). It’s not that I want to have a pity party and show the Lord how pitiful and down-trodden I am feeling (for in reality, I am not pitiful and down-trodden – I am a child of the King!), but I do want to collect the little things He throws my way and count them as blessings. And count them as manifestation of His love. In my winter season. Maybe then I would be encouraged and filled with fresh inspiration. Like a beacon of light in the dark.
I lie in bed, as unwell and sad and uninspired as I could be, and I start picking up the crumbs.
I am surrounded by my loved ones. My kids bring me joy. My husband’s steady love and presence comfort and strengthen me.
The faint praise music from my iPod soothes my erratic breathing. The soulful lyrics penetrate into my mind when I do my best to concentrate, and my heart quietens.
I am eating well, despite my difficulties. The plump red grapes my husband always brings me burst in my mouth bringing me pleasure.
I just finished reading Words by Ginny Yttrup. It was great reading it. Good Christian books are a good diversion when you’re unwell. I’m glad I’m literate and I love to read.
Later on, I do my best to sit up and motion for my husband that I’m ready for shampoo. It makes me scared – shampooing my hair while I’m not well. But it must be done. I sigh again. And I start to cry, too. My husband kneels down beside the bed where I am sitting and prays, so I can shampoo successfully. He wheels me into the bathroom and I continue to sniffle.
But my husband is gentle and patient as he washes my hair, yet efficient. He finishes washing my hair well and I recover quite comfortably. I’m thankful. Yes, amid the hardships.
When the Syro-phoenician woman answered the Lord with this (despite His apparent cold shoulder),
Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table. (Mat. 15:27)
The Lord marvelled and exclaimed,
O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. (Mat. 15:28)
I am willing to pick up the crumbs that fall from the master’s table and be satisfied with them. And be grateful for every single one. It will see me through the dearth.
Related reading: Holy Encounters with Jesus: The Canaanite Woman
I might be linking up with these lovely blogs.
Journey with Jesus,