My Redeemer

Meditating on Psalm 130.

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord;
2 Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive
To the voice of my supplications. (vv. 1-2)

As I read the words of Psalm 130, I remember myself fearfully groping in the dark more than ten years ago, trembling and not knowing what to do. I was suddenly afflicted with a strange illness that made me extremely weak, like I didn’t have a backbone and my flesh trembled to the marrow. I had fainting spells. But the most terrifying of them all was my mounting nervousness. It was like my mental faculties were breaking down, like I was scared to even breathe. Weakness like that feels like you’re being sucked by quicksand into your death. It makes you panic uncontrollably.

In-between my consultations with various specialists, I also went to a psychiatrist. This was after a priest’s insistence that I saw one. I knew it wasn’t what I needed, but I tried it anyway. I was ushered into a dimly-lit room. I sat in a couch and when my eyes had adjusted to the dark, I saw the lady psychiatrist sitting in an armchair to my right. She was older than me, maybe in her late-forties. Her demeanor made me think she also would commit adultery if given the chance. No, she wasn’t sexy or anything like that (and I was wrong to judge her). It’s just that – I didn’t trust her for my peace. For that was what I was desperately searching for. Peace. Peace for my soul. If I found that, then I would be well.

Looking back now, I remember the psychiatrist like she herself needed peace in her life, too. I knew that aura when I saw one – career woman, strong personality, maybe a shopaholic, too. Confident on the outside but heavily laden on the inside.

In those days you were living apart from Christ… You lived in this world without God and without hope. (Eph. 2:12 NLT)

I left her office more miserable than when I entered it, and with the thought that I wasn’t coming back. Ever. I was looking for peace. I wanted to talk about spiritual things, but she wanted to talk about worldly things. Like leaving an unhappy marriage and pursuing my own happiness. Well, I couldn’t really blame her. That’s all she had; that’s all she could give. It would be many weeks later before I would hear these words spoken to me, I give you Jesus.

That same afternoon, I squeezed myself in a crowded counter of Mercury Drug, the prescription from the psychiatrist laid out on the counter in front of me. Suddenly, I realized the stares from the people around me. I followed their eyes and saw the prescription in my hand: Dr. so-and-so, Psychiatrist. What were they thinking? That I would suddenly go berserk and hurt them? Ha!

3 If You, Lord, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But there is forgiveness with You,
That You may be feared. (vv. 3-4)

I didn’t care about the psychiatrist’s prescribed pills. I threw them all away after trying once. How could medicines bring peace to one’s soul? It was because of my sins that my mind and body were shutting down. But there was forgiveness in the Lord. Acceptance. Salvation. Healing! He alone could make me whole.

O Israel, hope in the Lord;
For with the Lord there is mercy,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
8 And He shall redeem Israel
From all his iniquities. (vv. 7-8)

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Journey with Jesus,

Comments

  1. I love this post – I grieve for the poor women in our society who have been lied to about their very nature – feeling like they have to act like men to be worthy. So sad.

    • RinaPeru says:

      I was like that before, Laura. I’m deeply grateful to the Lord for changing all that I was. I pray He will reach out to the others, too.

  2. Joy Lenton says:

    Rina, I can relate to the type of sickness you describe as I’ve had M.E and other chronic illness for over 20 years. I can also see how you may have felt after visiting a psychiatrist and being prescribed medication because the same thing has happened to me too with mental health breakdown in the past.
    Where I differ here is having already known Jesus as Lord and Saviour beforehand and having a loving and supportive husband to help me through these things. And I find myself feeling sad that you should equate your illness with sin. It isn’t always or necessarily the case that we get sick and stay sick because of any wrongdoing on our part. Our health and lifestyle choices certainly influence things, but much of what we go through is a mystery and not easy to solve. I still pray and believe for full healing to come even as my symptoms grow worse. May you become and stay as well as possible in knowing and trusting our Healer. Blessings :)

    • RinaPeru says:

      Hi Joy. hank you so much for sharing your experiences here. Yes, I do believe it was partly due to my poor choices in the past that had caused my illness. But mainly, though, I believe it was because of my sin – adultery – which really broke my body and nearly my mind, too. But through God’s complete forgiveness and Jesus’ blood – I am made whole (although my body still ails and suffers). It is an entirely different kind of wholeness and I thank the Lord for that while I wait for physical healing. Blessings to you, too!

  3. Hazel Moon says:

    The world offers suggestions, but they cannot bring the peace that Jesus gives. You could read this woman and seemed to know that her pills would only bring you more pain! She needed peace herself.
    Thank you for sharing with us here at “Tell Me a Story.”

    • RinaPeru says:

      That is so true, dear Hazel! There is no other source of true, enduring peace than the Lord Jesus Christ! It comes with His salvation. We need only to receive Him in our hearts. Blessings!

  4. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. ‘Jesus-The medicine that brings Peace to our Souls.’ Amen.

  5. Beth says:

    Rina, it has been a while since I’ve been by and this post reminds me I need to visit you more often. This truly was beautiful. I spent years in counseling and it wasn’t until someone finally shared the Gospel with me that healing began. Jesus is our answer!
    Blessings to you.
    (I was your neighbor at Jennifer’s place today)

    • RinaPeru says:

      Amen, Beth. Thank you for your visit. I celebrate with you for the salvation you received and all the blessings that come with it, foremost is peace! Walk with Jesus and everything will be alright! Blessings to you, too!

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