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My beloved husband arrived home late last night from one of the crusades in the province just as I was having a midnight meal. He joined me, spooning beef soup from my bowl generously. I wasn’t surprised if he was tired and hungry. From overnight prayer meeting last Friday, he went straight to Pangasinan to attend the crusade in one of the towns there, stealing only a few hours of sleep in their home in San Fabian. At some point, he told me of a man in a wheelchair who came to the crusade. Unable to walk, he was carried by workers to the beach where they were baptizing. When he came out of the water, he was already walking. As always, the workers and brethren who witnessed the healing were amazed and worshiped God for the miracle. He said it as if miracles like that happen everyday.

But there was not a single word that came out of my mouth. No, not a sound. I remained bowed before my plate, quietly chewing  the bits of meat like I hadn’t heard anything. I heard him alright but my heart seemed to have clamped shut against such news. It was received with an icy silence from me that he didn’t push it any longer.

As the silence stretched between us, I tried to examine my heart. I reached deep in there and groped for what I could find. It was clear as noonday: I could no longer get myself to leap in joy for such news. I lost count of the times I had heard of such in the past 11 years. Until recently, I would get myself to raise my hands to worship God and be awed by such a miracle. At first, I did it believing and expecting it would soon happen to me, too. Later on, I did it because I believed it was the right thing to do. But recently, I just want to remain silent and be true to my feelings.

Have I lost faith in God that he still works miracles to this day? Have I become so bitter that I can’t get myself to praise God for such news of a miracle? Neither. I examined my heart and I found out my faith in God has not waned a bit, neither my love for my Savior Jesus Christ. They are all intact there. I know also that when I hear testimonies in church through the live webcast by brethren who have experienced such miracles FIRST-HAND (for example, a mother who prayed hard for her child’s healing from a scary illness), the Holy Spirit still touches my heart, makes me tear up, and stirs me to raise my hands and give glory to God.

I think that’s the operative word: FIRST-HAND. It should be heard first-hand and spoken not unremarkably. I know I always, always share testimonies of God’s miracles here and on my Minister of Mercy blog, so that’s second-hand for you, right? But I heard and saw them first-hand and when I share them to you, I’m praying and hoping that God will anoint my words and by His grace, touch you by them.

The other thing is, because I have not experienced such kind of miracle in my own life after waiting for 11 years – standing up from my wheelchair and walking at last – I have gradually come to the realization that it doesn’t happen that way. At least, for me. So when I hear of second-hand testimonies of such magnitude (even coming from my own husband), my heart clamps up. And I have decided I will not force myself to react in a way that is not true to my feelings. It’s just not authentic.

When we finally went to bed, my husband told me that my mood seemed to be on the heavy side. Again, I did not reply. I didn’t know what to say. As I pulled the blanket to my neck, I was thinking, How could I explain to him what’s in my heart? No, he wouldn’t understand. It’s better to not say anything.

I am learning to process spiritual things silently with the help of the Holy Spirit rather than react as usual, saying praise words and “Amens!” without my heart into it, just because they are what’s expected of me. Honestly, I’m growing weary of hearing testimonies from faraway crusades of the lame being able to walk again, just. because. it’s. not. happening. to. me. When I was still able to travel, we went to crusades, too, and 100% expected a miracle happening to me: being completely healed and able to walk normally again. But it didn’t happen to me. Although based on others’ testimonies, it happened to them: crippled but walking again. For a long time, I wrestled with God why this was so. I hurt and wept and analyzed why God was healing the crippled that came to Him the first time while He turned His face away from me. Been there. Done that.

Last night as I pondered on these things, I knew for certain I had nothing against the Lord Jesus Christ. I love and adore Him still and always will. So, I began to sing in my heart.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, 
and to take Him at His word; 
just to rest upon His promise, 
and to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

What. I’m. Saying. Is. This:

I WILL BELIEVE AND LOVE AND FOLLOW AND SERVE THE LORD JESUS CHRIST WITH OR WITHOUT A MIRACLE!

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Journey with Jesus,

 

Comments

  1. Cathy says:

    Sometimes God doesn’t heal us physically yet strengthens us spiritually. The biggest part is that he want’s our complete trustto allow him to use whatever we have even if our bodies aren’t whole. I will be praying that God touches you both physically and emotionally.

    • RinaPeru says:

      Thank you, Cathy. By His grace, I continually put my life into His hands and yield to whatever He wants to work in me.

  2. Maria says:

    Rina~
    Thank you for this message! Your transparency and honesty is refreshing. The part about being silent was handwoven just for me. I need to practice that more.

    • RinaPeru says:

      To process the hard teachings and lessons of the Holy Spirit silently in my own heart and spirit is one which I’m slowly learning, Maria. He will gently guide and light our paths.

  3. This is a tough one Rina! I read this post yesterday & I wanted to offer comfort but I simply could not find words. So I determined I would pray for you. Then, this morning I came upon this verse & immediately thought of you….Habakkuk 3:17-19 “Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord,I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds’ feet, and He makes me walk on my high places.” I often wonder why there has been so much “dysfunction” in my family & it seems to continue in my children. I am choosing to trust the Lord, that He does hear my prayers for my children, and in His good time, it will work out for their good & for His praise & glory! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia

    • RinaPeru says:

      Amen, dear Cynthia. I did share this beautiful and powerful verse from Habakkuk on Facebook accompanying the link of this post. We do have many things to endure and overcome but I’m hoping and trusting to the end in the faithfulness and power of God to deliver.

  4. Joanie Qualls says:

    Greetings Rita. What you shared spoke so much to me in an significant area of my life. Being quiet more in expressions, even tho Good and “spiritual”, is a good word to me also. . Yes, and trusting and loving HIM, is wonderful strength……, no matter what.
    In Jesus Christ’s wonderful love, forgiveness and holiness for now and for eternity.. My prayers continue to be with you, Rina.
    Joanie

    • RinaPeru says:

      Yes, dear Joanie, I am also slowly learning to process the messages and lessons from the Holy Spirit in the quietness of my heart and spirit and not in contentions with others. Blessings!

  5. Lovely.

  6. Hazel Moon says:

    Wow that reminds me of the man at the pool as he lay there for many years, while others received and he did not. Also reminded of a woman who apparently could not conceive, and each time she heard of someone of her friends getting pregnant she was SO jealous and angry. Your sweet husband was trying to encourage you that God is still in the healing business, but his words were difficult to receive about someone else. I do love your attitude that no matter what you will hold to your faith and realize that you are loved by family and by Jesus himself. Thank you for sharing with us here at “Tell Me a Story.”

    • RinaPeru says:

      Thank you for the reminder, dear Hazel, about the crippled man who couldn’t have the chance to dip into the pool and be healed. But Jesus healed him in His own way. Wow!

  7. Ah, sweet friend. First, can I say that I honor you for your unwillingness to give lip-service to that which is not in your heart? You have done some hard work in the above post – some hard INTERIOR work – digging into yourself and discovering the truth of what you really think/feel. That is more beautiful than you know. It can be so easy to just say what you think you “should” say, instead of listening within and letting God bring to light even the parts that seem dark to you.

    May you continue to have grace and peace as you wait and as you continue to trust – no matter the outcome. Thanks for sharing this candid post with Unforced Rhythms.

    • RinaPeru says:

      You have said it beautifully and crystal-clear, Kelli! “Listening within and letting God bring to light even the parts that seem dark to you.” Yes, yes, yes! And thank you for the prayers, too.

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