Slowly, week after week, the Holy Spirit has been guiding me to examine my life deeply and wisely in this season of another “long wait” for healing. He is giving me fresh vision and I’m beginning to really see things from an entirely different perspective. It is so easy to be blinded or tricked into not seeing the things the Lord is showing us, especially when our hearts and minds are full of our own plans that make us giddy. Even in blogging, I used to go right ahead and write whatever I had purposed in my mind, not waiting for the Lord’s voice. There is a big difference now. Since I can’t waste any energy I have, I only write upon the Holy Spirit’s leading and inspiration. It is very freeing.
I have been waiting for my healing for almost 12 years now. I have done everything I have been taught by the Word, at Church through preaching and countless testimonies, and by Christian books on divine healing. I know I have faith to be healed – steadfast, enduring, persevering faith. But still, I wait. And suffer. Healing has not come fully, but rather in painfully slow, small trickles, like a very viscous liquid that refuses to flow easily. And then the illness would intensify, making me lose any new grounds I had gained.
Just very recently, I started to devise a new scheme to try to beat my sickness and suffering: I will live as if I am already healed. As long as You continue to give me life, Lord, I will desire, I will devise, I will strive, I will fight to get well. It is Your will to heal. My healing comes with my salvation. You’ve already won it at the cross. And by Your stripes, I am healed. I whisper silently these things against my pillow. I affirm them.
To walk in divine health by faith as if healing has come, though in reality, it hasn’t yet – there is a need for a continuous cleansing – a daily, moment by moment awareness of what’s happening in the heart or playing on in the mind. It is as if the Holy Spirit is whispering to me: cleansing is healing. Not the complete forgiveness and cleansing of all our sins that we receive when we repent, receive the Lord Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and are baptized in water in His name. But of how we respond to life’s trials, especially the lingering ones. I had poured out my heart about this lengthily. Or, as the Holy Spirit is slowly opening my eyes to: Maybe it all really goes back to the day of salvation when we received new life, to Paul’s exhortation that we should walk in newness of life. Which we might have been doing, but not completely, like being submerged wholly into the Waters of Life, filling up every void in us.
The walking in newness of life must continue and deepen, even as the years roll by and all kinds of trials – persecutions, afflictions, suffering – are flung our way. These trials are seen as purifying, sanctifying. We know that. But despite of this knowledge, some of us still respond in our natural, human instincts, resorting to feelings of jealousy, envy, self-pity, resentment, bitterness (and maybe in that progressive order). For years I had believed that I was entitled to feel them or harbor them given my difficult circumstances. No one is stopping us to feel them. But you know what? I had found out, long time ago, that they wouldn’t help. They are futile, fruitless, vain (a string of synonyms but hey, I want to emphasize it well ), just as complaining won’t bring any good but God’s displeasure. But still, in our weakest moments, we succumb to them.
On the contrary, these strong negative emotions carry a powerful energy of their own which can sap our very life! They can even cause a whole new range of sicknesses – physical and psychological – not to mention their instant effect which is heaviness of spirit – plain misery! I call it gross oppression. But this is not the life the Lord had come to earth to give.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)
I had memorized this by heart. I had begged the Lord, even to this day, to give me this abundant life. And by that I mean my full healing and recovery and all the blessings that will follow. But now, the Holy Spirit is teaching me that even in the thick of it all, I don’t have to let myself be oppressed also by negative feelings. There is a better way and that is in not abiding in them.
…let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. (Heb. 12:1, emphasis mine)
This weight, this sin, isn’t necessarily of the Ten Commandments-breach magnitude, but those subtle, hardly perceptible ones that have the habit of creeping into our system without us being even aware of:doubting God’s love spurning His judgments by comparing our lives with others being silently jealous, envious, covetous, and resentful of others’ lives and blessings responding in bitterness, impatience, unkindness becoming doubtful, unbelieving, cynical about God and His Word, and maybe a little rebellious deep in the heart judgmental, critical thoughts being unkind to oneself responding in and operating on fear rather than faith entertaining unfounded guilt and self-accusations and condemnations (the devil’s oppressive lies) going back to the past and letting all its guilt (that has been completely forgiven) perturb you constantly abiding in worries, anxieties making sadness and heaviness as default feelings and responses
Whew! That is quite a list. When we see any of these things coming, their shadow or their offensive odor that precedes them, even before they settle in our heart – be aware! Block them. Stop their progress. Cast them out in Jesus’ name. Don’t even let them touch a millimeter of our mind, defiling it. Let’s turn our backs on them for good. Cleanse ourselves of them. Beg God to help us. Let the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7). We are a new creation: chosen, holy, God’s own possession. Live like it.
Live within the bounds of the abundant fruits of the Holy Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
I believe this is another way to heal and be whole.
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Journey with Jesus,