A Beggar But Not Beggarly

On the early morning after we celebrated my son Tim’s 10th birthday the night before, I found myself begging before God as at other times. Only this time, my silent cries seemed to resound from my corner of this earth to the splendors of heaven. And although the past days I wanted to be still and quiet as I waited on Him, this time, I couldn’t be thwarted in my begging over and over.

This is an image I got from Google. There was no time to paint the theme because my Tim birthdayed).

This is an image I got from Google. There was no time to paint the theme because my Tim birthdayed).

If I will live and remain here (which is my primary prayer), there must be another – and much better – way to live than spending most hours of everyday in bed and feeling unwell and weak and suffering. There must be an escape from the fears brought about by one’s sickness, inadequacy, and incapacity. Fears that show themselves as nervousness, anxiety and panic attacks that drive the heart to beating so fast and the breathing haywire. (This happens when I get worried about a loved one’s safety or the like).

There must be a deliverance from this kind of harsh suffering.

And there must be a doorway through which the bright sunshine of tomorrow can pass in all its radiance. When kids go away for a time for leadership camps or when they represent the school in global leadership conferences in another country – there must be joy and rejoicing and celebrations of victory, and not a whirlwind of fears and worries of how on earth a sick mother would be able to handle it all?

Or how would the same mother stanch the desire of being able to go away at last with family this Christmas season? How would she block the thoughts that come unbidden, of evergreens and cozy lodges away in the mountains and the incandescent faces of family, for at last they have gone away, especially that of the kid who has lived a decade on earth and still has not experienced a family getaway with his beloved mom with them?

How can a mother just steel her heart and not feel or think or dream of any of those things?

<Whisper> Dreaming for me has become a painful thing.

So I beg. I beg for a miracle. I beg for healing. I beg to be released. I beg to be raised up. I beg to be enabled.

I am a beggar before God. This is the best position I can take in my situation.

Aren’t we all beggars before Him in one way or another? Haven’t we all been Bartimaeus at one time or another? Or the Canaanite woman? Or Jairus?

And behold, there came a man named Jairus, and he was a ruler of the synagogue. And he fell down at Jesus’ feet and begged Him to come to his house, 42 for he had an only daughter about twelve years of age, and she was dying… (Luke 8:41-42, emphasis mine)

Aren’t we beggars all?

I ache to understand this: Why, after the Lord Jesus promised, that when we seek, we shall find; when we knock, the door will be opened to us; when we ask, it will be given to us – the thing that is most sought after is not found, the door is not opening, and the thing most fervently asked is not received?

I ache to know the answer to this: Why, after the Lord Jesus promised that If [we] can believe, all things are possible to him who believes – that one very important thing we are believing in is not becoming possible?

So, we cry and continue to cry, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

We are beggars before God in prayer but not beggarly. For we are heirs of eternal life. And whether now or then we might receive answers to our deepest prayers, the Lord Jesus Christ should be enough. And He will give us peace and joy for the journey.

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  1. Perla says:

    Hello Rina!
    Thanks for sharing again🌹.
    A thought from My day to day basis, before doing all the duties that required. I do it especially in the morning, Meditations. About life. Thinking how life is, sometimes ironic or unfair and somehow, I end up thinking, how lucky , still ,we are , despite of all our sufferings . Me too, I’m not spared of sickness as just like anyone else, and I do the best I can by preventing it through exercises, eating healthy or taking vitamin supplements. But as a normal human, sooner or later, the natural disease of old aging , is a fact. ☺️. And so, when life not seems to be in the right side /way for me, I like to focus on the good, small things that God has showered me. Small things that sometimes, I just feel like crying,that’s how thankful I am. Like for example, my son -brought out in this world, living normally in the society, now, he’s working on his own. And somehow, healthy. My hubby&I can eat three times a day or probably five times or more☺️…helping others the best we can. Mostly ideal help like teaching other kids to do their lessons or just anything we can , from our small means.
    As we grow older, the priorities in life can change. We learn to embrace & appreciate what we have. Moreover than that is only a bonus.
    By the way, Your kids are healthy & intelligent . And you have a loving & devoted husband. You can paint, still so beautiful &sharp&have a taste of good life. You have so much despite of obstacles in life. You have the edge…😍. And most of all, Because you believe& have faith in Him.
    A nice day to you🌹
    Manang Perla

    • RinaPeru says:

      Thank you so much for this, Manang Perl. Your messages of love and encouragement always brighten up my day. I know that, looking beyond my illness and suffering, there are indeed so many things to be thankful for. and, yes, deep in my heart I am so very grateful to the Lord for the wonderful blessings in my life. Thank you, Manang Perl. Christmas blessings to you!

  2. Linda Stoll says:

    Oh yes, Rina … we are all beggars, looking for bread of some sort. Thankfully, God never wearies of our heart cries, He is ready, willing, and able to meet our every need.

    He loves us so.

    Good to meet you over at Holley’s this morning. Advent blessings to you and yours …

    • RinaPeru says:

      So good to meet you here, too, dear Linda. God’s wonderful blessings this season be upon you as well.