A Beggar But Not Beggarly

On the early morning after we celebrated my son Tim’s 10th birthday the night before, I found myself begging before God as at other times. Only this time, my silent cries seemed to resound from my corner of this earth to the splendors of heaven. And although the past days I wanted to be still and quiet as I waited on Him, this time, I couldn’t be thwarted in my begging over and over.

This is an image I got from Google. There was no time to paint the theme because my Tim birthdayed).

This is an image I got from Google. There was no time to paint the theme because my Tim birthdayed).

If I will live and remain here (which is my primary prayer), there must be another – and much better – way to live than spending most hours of everyday in bed and feeling unwell and weak and suffering. There must be an escape from the fears brought about by one’s sickness, inadequacy, and incapacity. Fears that show themselves as nervousness, anxiety and panic attacks that drive the heart to beating so fast and the breathing haywire. (This happens when I get worried about a loved one’s safety or the like).

There must be a deliverance from this kind of harsh suffering.

And there must be a doorway through which the bright sunshine of tomorrow can pass in all its radiance. When kids go away for a time for leadership camps or when they represent the school in global leadership conferences in another country – there must be joy and rejoicing and celebrations of victory, and not a whirlwind of fears and worries of how on earth a sick mother would be able to handle it all?

Or how would the same mother stanch the desire of being able to go away at last with family this Christmas season? How would she block the thoughts that come unbidden, of evergreens and cozy lodges away in the mountains and the incandescent faces of family, for at last they have gone away, especially that of the kid who has lived a decade on earth and still has not experienced a family getaway with his beloved mom with them?

How can a mother just steel her heart and not feel or think or dream of any of those things?

<Whisper> Dreaming for me has become a painful thing.

So I beg. I beg for a miracle. I beg for healing. I beg to be released. I beg to be raised up. I beg to be enabled.

I am a beggar before God. This is the best position I can take in my situation.

Aren’t we all beggars before Him in one way or another? Haven’t we all been Bartimaeus at one time or another? Or the Canaanite woman? Or Jairus?

And behold, there came a man named Jairus, and he was a ruler of the synagogue. And he fell down at Jesus’ feet and begged Him to come to his house, 42 for he had an only daughter about twelve years of age, and she was dying… (Luke 8:41-42, emphasis mine)

Aren’t we beggars all?

I ache to understand this: Why, after the Lord Jesus promised, that when we seek, we shall find; when we knock, the door will be opened to us; when we ask, it will be given to us – the thing that is most sought after is not found, the door is not opening, and the thing most fervently asked is not received?

I ache to know the answer to this: Why, after the Lord Jesus promised that If [we] can believe, all things are possible to him who believes – that one very important thing we are believing in is not becoming possible?

So, we cry and continue to cry, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

We are beggars before God in prayer but not beggarly. For we are heirs of eternal life. And whether now or then we might receive answers to our deepest prayers, the Lord Jesus Christ should be enough. And He will give us peace and joy for the journey.

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My Comfort and Hope

Meditating on Psalm 119: 33-56.

36 Incline my heart unto thy testimonies, and not to covetousness.
37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
41 Let thy mercies come also unto me, O Lord, even thy salvation, according to thy word. (Ps. 119:36-37, 41)

As we read and discuss these verses in Psalm 119, I would like to remember and share with you the days approaching my salvation. Those were days of enormous difficulties accompanied by fears and trembling and great confusion. “Birth pains” I call them now. I was to be born again of the Spirit and “labor pains” surrounded my delivery. But I didn’t know that then.

As I had written a few times before, one moment my life was at the peak of career and business success, the next moment, I was stripped off of all strength – physical, mental, emotional. During the years of my worldly success, I had beheld vanity and lived in covetousness, whether consciously or unconsciously. But all that ended in my sick bed, when, a day after my 36th birthday, my family and office staff surrounded me and looked at my state helplessly.

It was at this time that I was already seeking God’s salvation desperately. In the midst of my utter weakness, something powerful was telling me to seek the Lord Jesus Christ for He was my only hope. Let thy mercies come also unto me, O Lord, even thy salvation, according to thy word (v. 41). I told everybody that I was looking for a Christian Church where I could go and serve the Lord. I needed His forgiveness so much.

When everybody went out of the room, one of my senior employees stayed behind and asked if I wanted to be prayed over by their Church’s prayer warriors. They are from the Jesus Miracle Crusade International Ministry. This was the answer to my cries to God. And thus, I received my salvation. The complete forgiveness of my sins healed my soul, mind, and heart. Later on, my body received gradual healing, too.

And I will walk at liberty,
For I seek Your precepts.
46 I will speak of Your testimonies also before kings,
And will not be ashamed. (vv. 45-46)

With my salvation came my liberty. And I have walked therein to this day. I live to give glory to my Savior. I testify of His unfailing love, goodness, and miracles to anyone who will listen.

But with the difficulties that accompany my incomplete physical healing and the daily challenges and struggles of walking in faith and holiness, I wrestle in my prayers to God just like the psalmist who clings to the Lord in all his afflictions. So, I too, cling to His Word. To His promises that He will not let me be tempted and tested beyond what I can endure, but that He will always deliver me.

49 Remember the word to Your servant,
Upon which You have caused me to hope.
50 This is my comfort in my affliction,
For Your word has given me life. (vv. 49-50)

The Lord Jesus Christ is, and always will be, my hope. He is my comfort in my affliction.

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Journey with Jesus,